One Bonus, 2 Earth Side Children and 4 Angel Babies. Oh My!
"No one wants to talk about a miscarriage." "Many women have them." "No big deal, move on". "I'm so sorry, God had other plans". "Well at least you have one, some women can't get pregnant".
These are some of the horrible, disassociated, and rather heartless comments that I received from people. Most of these people were women.
When someone doesn't know what to say they fill the void with sometimes unexpected/unappreciated comments or actions.
Constant comfort was hard to find; separate from my two childhood friends and my Husband's unwavering compassion and inclusive grief. Thank God for him and our relationship. Through it all.
The more I started to reach out to other women that have also experienced this loss in their lives the stranger it got. Many women had these experiences but told no one, I wonder whether they felt shame or loneliness. It is hard when you miscarry to not feel broken or like you caused it. It is also hard for others to grab onto the fact that moving on from it is not an option.
When I met my husband he had a daughter that I love very much. We knew that we wanted to start a family, which happened one year after we met. With my son(my first pregnancy) I was very sick, I lost tons of weight, I fell, I was severely dehydrated and had lots of unexplained bleeding throughout my pregnancy.
BUT THE FEAR OF MISCARRIAGE was rarely there.
When Elias was 5 months old we got pregnant again, a grateful surprise. I was sick, not as dehydrated and I was excited. We got another crib, and diaper changing table, we reorganized the closets and the room. We were both nervous but excited. At 12 weeks I could just feel something was wrong. I have always had a great instinctual connection with my body and something was off. I went to an appt and they said I was measuring fine. I expressed my concern and they told me "It is not uncommon to not feel the baby move at this point". However for me it was. It was uncommon. I had felt my son from 8 weeks on, so to not feel a baby at 12 weeks was concerning.
I called them back the following weeks and said I was really concerned. They told me not to worry and that in a few more weeks we will be doing the ultrasound and will be able to tell if the baby is a boy or girl.
My husband and I got away. We went away on a little anniversary trip and both of us noticed how skinny I looked in my dress. We both had the feeling but did not want to bring it up to each other.
A few weeks later we went to the ultrasound and the words
"I'm sorry your baby does not have a heartbeat"
entered my ears and soaked into my brain and will FOREVER be there. These are quite possibly some of the worst words a Mother/Father will ever hear. I screamed I bawled, My eyes were filled with more tears than I ever thought possible. I cried"give me my son". My husband Chris handed him to me and I just sat there and cried and told him I was so sorry. I instantly felt like a failure and felt overwhelming grief and sadness. My son was no longer going to be a big brother, we were no longer going to have a child, my bonus daughter was going to have to be told. All of these thoughts....my number one thought being...I failed my husband. I failed without a doubt to have this life grow inside of me. I didn't keep him/her safe. I cried unapologetically and could not believe it. Something you have been growing and holding within you is just gone.
YOU WILL NEVER MEET YOUR BABY
Instead of heading to the hospital right away, I told my Husband that I wanted to deliver the baby the next day. It was Halloween and I just wanted my son to have pictures of his first Halloween trick or treating with his Mama by his side.
Delivery was set for Nov 1., a day we will never forget. Went home and slept and cried and cried some more. I had to deliver at the hospital because I was 21 weeks along. I had a full size placenta.
With little detail(because it is graphic). I delivered the baby. We said goodbye to the pregnancy and we were forever changed.
In this time....My son saved me. My little 8 month old to 1 year old son will be told one day how he saved his Mama.
(As I am crying writing and reading it back to myself while proof reading; because it is still so real)
He kept me moving forward, he made me go outside and soak up the sun, he gave me a reason to laugh, to sing, to dance, to bake, he made me continue to be a good Mom and Wife. He gave me a purpose and I hope I am repaying him by being the loving compassionate Mom he deserves.
Soon after misscarrying I personally needed something. I've always loved business and I now had this great love for the family I did have at the time. The gratefulness you feel for what you have created and grown after going through a miscarriage is that much stronger.
So I started this blog and website. It felt good to do something that brought me happiness and made my mind concentrate on anything besides myself and my body.
We then decided we needed to have never ending babies and life coming into our lives. This is when we began the farm and began to breed our English Mastiffs. They give our family lots of love, hope, a supply of life that has been absorbed by our hearts.
Giving me personally a constant baby to hold and the possibility of making another family so happy with a new fur baby brought into their lives.
The amount of joy and happiness in our eyes when that first baby starts to arrive is magical. My children are there through almost all of it. We have a bed next to Mamas Delivery spot in her Delivery Suite. I stay there for three weeks tending to babies and Mama. My children have figured out how to filter into this bed space and love to watch these little ones grow. They have their favorites every litter and we are hoping that we pass down a love and compassion for animals; possibly a veterinarian will emerge in the future.
There was something that healed me at this time.
Even though I could not personally "fix" myself or bring that baby back....watching families through FaceTime and when they picked up their new puppy...It helped me heal. I am thankful to every family that has bought a puppy from us for the sure healing and happiness alone. Thank you for giving those puppies a great home.
Months down the road we went to a fertility specialist and had previously had the baby tested for abnormalities. Everything came back clear. I did not cause it. The fertility doctor actually said "this happening again would be like being struck by lightning... twice".
That should be reassuring but it really is not.
You see before a miscarriage you have this little bubble of security that everything will be fine with the baby and your pregnancy, but once you have a Miscarriage all of that is gone. You are constantly on edge. Constanly looking at any amount of blood, calling the doctor, paranoid about how much you move or what you are lifting.
6 Months went by in that time. Chris and I got matching tattoos for our baby and continued to hold each to heal both physically and emotionally.
Finally we got pregnant again, which felt like an eternity for me.
There is a hole that does not completely heal....like ever.
We Miscarried. Again. And....Had another miscarriage a few months later. Forget the lightning; we've got an electrical storm.
For me it was just such a crazy thought. How can I have this perfect baby and then nothing?
3 miscarriages and no one could find out why. As a problem solver you could see how this would be draining.
My husband was tired of seeing me in pain and emotionally drained. He was emotionally drained as well. I love my Husband and I value him and his feelings....I was broken. I asked for another try immediately following a miscarriage(literally minutes after).
I know the thoughts in his head were probably along the lines of lots of things he would never actually say to me.
I just knew that she would be here. I knew it would happen. I had this pull come over me to keep trying.
Finally Baby Evelyn was conceived. She was perfect from the start. Every appt was great. Even though all of the appointments went well and she hit every mark. You count down the weeks to meeting your baby.
When you have had a miscarriage you do not count your blessing until they are in your arms safe and alive.
Well in Dec of 2020 I got to help lift my baby girl to the world during a successful VBAC(vaginal birth after c-section).
I knew she would be here.
I felt secure in my thoughts and loved through my husbands actions and feelings.. something that others may take for granted made us feel like we had won. She was here. Our marriage has grown stronger through it all.
After a while we wanted another child(mostly me). We tried and we quickly miscarried.
We have now had 4 miscarriages
4 angel babies, for no medical reason that can be explained. I celebrate every pregnancy like it may last. This is still a life we created together and how could you approach it in any other way. Physically, emotionally, and mentally this has also been a long road. Beautiful but long.
I still cry regularly in sadness for the losses and happiness in the life of my children. I still take a moment and cry when we hang out Angel babies bulb on the Christmas tree and I usually tear up on Halloween. My Husband shot a nice buck that week I came home from the hospital from our first miscarriage delivery and it is now hanging on our wall, reminding us daily. I call it my Angel baby deer.. It was not just I that was hurting and hurts during these miscarriages. My Husband does too. Sitting in the woods and having that buck walk up felt like a gift from Heaven with assurance that our baby was safe.
Even though I still have grief. My take now is not so much that I failed, but that while those little babies were inside of me growing... I was all they knew. For their time on earth all they knew was a loving, caring, nurturing Mom. While I wish I could of held each one and showed them a wonderful life, they each got to feel their Mom's love and maybe that was all their little souls needed.
If you are going through a hard time in your life or even a miscarriage I hope that this blog brings you some comfort in knowing that you are not alone. Be strong, find something to help you start over and be grateful for what you currently have going in a positive direction.
Who could you share this blog with that could use a little heart mending? Who could you help comfort today?
Wilson Wonders.
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