Today has been 5 years since we said goodbye.
You grew in my tummy and it was such a welcomed surprise.
I never knew that I would never be able to look into your eyes.
I held you every night through my soft skin.
I couldn't wait to see you in an ultrasound again.
We built another crib, two babies..one room, boy was it a sight.
We even stocked your closet with onesies and packages of wipes.
Your appointments went well but I could never hear your heart.
Even though the doctor tried reassuring me I knew something had fallen apart.
I couldn't feel you move and I never saw your cute little face.
The day of your gender reveal ultrasound I wish I could erase.
All of the worries and thoughts came to fruition.
I should have trusted my Mother's intuition.
We walked into the appointment and exposed my little belly.
Today we would not hear if you were a boy or a girl.
As soon as she started the ultrasound, seeing you so small, my eyes started welling.
The next sentence would send us both for a whirl.
"Im sorry there is no heartbeat"
There are no sentences that could possibly rhyme with this. The most devastating news we have both ever received. This was Halloween morning. As soon as that sentence entered my ears I asked to hold your older brother. I was so sad and so was your Father.
That night we took your older Brother Elias trick or treating. It was his first year and I knew you would understand. The memories that needed to be made and a sense of love needed to be felt.
The next morning on November 1st 2018, we had to go to the hospital to deliver you. My 21 week old baby....I knew you had left your body but you were still physically in mine and I did not want to let go. I cried and cried and cried. We set up Elias' pack and play because I did not want him to leave my side until he absolutely had to. Your big Brother Elias is a loving, compassionate, helpful individual, and is a steady rock for your Mom through all of the next few weeks of sadness.
After Your Grandma and Aunt left with Elias, it was just you, Dad and I.
We talked about how much we loved you, we prayed, we cried, and we held each other.
I told you I was so sorry.
Moments later I was started on medication and soon after started labor.
I delivered you.
I want you to know that I think about you regularly and especially this time of year. I wonder if you were a Brother or Sister. I wonder how you would be getting along with your siblings.
I wonder what halloween costume you would have dressed up in.
I think about you when I am cuddling them and where you would be in my arms.
We start decorating for Christmas today and will be thinking of you. I know you would have loved Christmas like the rest of us and would be trying to sneak Halloween candy with your Brother Elias and Sister Evelyn this morning.
I love you. I know that you are taking care of your other Brothers and Sisters there and that we will all do life again another time and place. But I miss you. Its been 5 years today and while life goes on and everyone gets older. You will always be my little baby. I will hold you and look into your eyes one day and you will feel the love I have for you...maybe you already do!
Wilson Wonders
As I finish this journal a Bright Red Cardinal just flew to the playscape and took a minute to play on the swing, Thank you for this❤️
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